Wednesday, March 23, 2005


I have the power

It started innoccuously enough. I was trying - with little success - to motivate Tristan into getting his little butt in gear so we could get out the door. He had a different agenda.

Me (ordinary voice) : "Okay, Tristan-bean, time to get your shoes on."
Tristan : ignore
Me (singsong voice) : "Triiiiistan, it's time to go. Come here please."
Tristan : ignore, poke Simon
Me (stern voice) : "That's enough of that. Get over here so I can put your shoes on."
Tristan : ignore, poke Simon
Me (annoyed voice): "Hey! Are you listening to me? I said get over here NOW."
Tristan : ignore, starts pulling socks off
Me (bellowing) : "Don't you DARE pull those socks off."
Tristan : tosses peeled-off sock in the other direction

That's when it happened. Like tumblers clicking into place, something shifted deep in my psyche. It burbled up from the depths of my being in an icy geyser. I felt my facial features twisting, pulling, moulding into something I had never experienced. That's when I unleashed... (cue ominous music) the Icy Glare of Impending Doom.

My own mother has an Icy Glare of Impending Doom that would freeze a hardened criminal in his tracks. I am 35 years old, and still wake in the night after panicked dreams of being on the wrong end of the Icy Glare of Impending Doom. It is the ocular equivalent of a taser.

I didn't know I had it in me. It never occured to me to even attempt an Icy Glare of Impending Doom - such powers are not to be trifled with. Like divine intervention, the Icy Glare of Impending Doom makes itself available when the time is right.

To my amazement and delight, the Icy Glare of Impending Doom lasered through my eyeballs and neutralized Tristan's obstinance. As he scuttled obediently over to collect his discarded sock, his eyes flashed a quick succession of surprise, respect and compliance. He never saw it coming.

Like a superhero discovering their secret talent, I feel I have come fully into my power as a mother now. I have harnessed the power of the Icy Glare of Impending Doom. Don't mess with me or I'll glare at you, too.