Saturday, May 21, 2005


Feeling better, so much better

I don't usually blog on the weekends, but I've been so touched and overwhelmed by your kind comments that I had to write something. Plus, I'm feeling a little bad about leaving such a negative post hanging out there, begging for sympathy, when I really am feeling so much better. It's quite like SnackMommy said, by the time you can figure out what's bugging you enough to write it down, you've often got the problem more than half solved. And sometimes just transferring it from inside to outside is enough to convince you to let go of it, whatever it may be.

It continues to amaze me the kinship one finds on the Internet. Many of you who responded with reassurance and camradarie are friends from other times and places, but many of you are new to my life since blog. I am truly blessed. Thank you. I wish you the same feelings of comfort and friendship in your next darkened day.

My mother and I had a long, tearful (on my part, not hers) chat about this, and we narrowed the bulk of my problems right now down to the omnipresent Mommy Guilt. I feel guilty for not being more than I am, for being able to give more than I have. She asked me if I am doing my very best, and I said yes, I really am.

Then why feel guilt, she asked me. Why should you feel guilty for doing your very best?

Why indeed?

If you are honestly doing everything you can to be a good mother, a good wife, a good friend, a good employee, a good daughter, a good person, how can you go wrong? I mean, nobody's perfect, not me and certainly not my kids (whoops, should have probably worded that the other way around) but what fun would it be if we were? What would I have to blog about in a perfect world?

This guilt is so deeply ingrained right now that I'm really going to have to work at ignoring it's demanding cry. I'm going to ignore that guilt until it stops throwing fist-pounding tantrums in my psyche, stops tugging on my emotional pant leg and stops whimpering passive-agressively in the background.

Heck, if I can ignore the dust and the unmade beds and the weed-choked garden, I should be able to ignore mommy guilt.

Once again, I wish this was a little more eloquent, but as usual, I am stealing time from something else to write this. With another hour or two to spare, I could edit, revise and polish -- or at least make sure I am coherent today.

But you know what? I'm okay with that. I'm okay with stealing a little bit of time for me, I'm okay with the fact that the lawn probably won't get cut today (it's raining anyway - who said it could rain on my long weekend?) and I'm okay with the fact that this isn't perfectly written and edited.

Because I'm doing my best. And that's all I can do.

(Could someone please remind me to read this about once a week for the next 20 or 30 years?)

And once again, let me say thank you to all of you who offered your support and shared experience yesterday and today. Even someone as verbose as me has trouble coming up with the right words to tell you how your comments and insight made me feel better about myself.

You've done a lovely thing and you should be proud.