Thursday, February 23, 2006


At the risk of getting Dooced...

A sampling of files that have crossed my desk this week...


Dear Important and Valued Client,
Hello! I’m writing a speech for the CEO, and we need a short sentence to describe the new service you are launching this fall. Maybe 10 or 15 words, briefly describing exactly what the service will offer to the public. Could you send me something by end of day? Thanks in advance.

Dear Communications Advisor,
Thank you for your interest in our program. In order to release the information you requested, we’ll need the signatures of your director, our director, and our director general.

Dear Important and Valued Client,
Ha ha, that’s funny. So really, when can you send me the information?

Communications Advisor,
Our business agenda is a change driver of significant efficiencies, impact and scope and we are fully engaging our stakeholders in proactively managing this change closely with us to arrive successfully at the desired output.

Yes, I completely understand that. But can you please send me the information?

Comm adv.,
That is the information you requested. Please forward requisite approvals ASAP.


Hello Communications Advisor,
We are making 750,000 CDs to distribute nationally to the public. Someone mentioned communications might be interested seeing a copy before we send it to production. You’ll see that we mention all of our highest profile programs. It’s going to production tomorrow, so I need your comments by EOD today.

Hello Important Client,
Thank you for sending me a copy of your content. I think you might have to delay your production run, as I’m not sure management would approve of the lime green and magenta flashing animations dancing across the screen, nor your replacement of our corporate logo with an animé pirate. Yes, it is true that we are trying to market to a youth audience, but re-writing our mission and vision statement in gangsta-rap might be a bit of a stretch. And may I suggest you run your content through spell-check? I started editing it, but ran out of red ink on page 7 of 258. Before signing off on this $300K investment, I think I should get my manager to take a look at it.

This is why we never bother to run anything by communications. All you do is kill our creative ideas and throw up roadblocks with your rules and approvals. We’ve gone ahead with the project as is. My director will be speaking to your manager about your unhelpfulness, unpleasantness and poor attitude.


Luckily, capricious toddler whims and tantrums have given me some excellent experience in dealing with my clients this week. Frankly, I'll take the toddlers any time...