Wednesday, May 03, 2006


Fertility watch

Warning: too much information alert! You are about to read about my bodily functions, the monthly girly ones. Consider yourself warned. This is the last chance to avert your eyes before gratuituous descriptions of "female troubles".

So you probably haven't been nearly as obsessed with my "moon tide" as I have been. That's perfectly okay. In fact, I think I prefer it that way. But, I'm about to bust with excitement, and rather than just discuss it with someone, why the hell not post it on the Interweb and discuss it with everyone. Right?

And no, let's be clear that I am NOT PREGNANT, as it occurs to me that it might seem that I'm heading in that direction. Nope, in fact, I have been more fastidious about birth control in the past two years than any other time in my life. Ironic, isn't it, since the first child cost me a bundle.

And that bundle, she said by way of weak segue, is more or less what I'm going on about now. As you may remember (I'm sure you've marked it on your calendar and committed it to memory, too) in order to start the whole 'turn frostie into a real, live bouncing baby' process, step one is to call the clinic and tell them it's day one of "rebooting my ovarian operating system"- any time after June 1.

You're so clever, you've already caught on that it is not yet June 1. But way back when the doc said my earliest start date would be June 1, I did the math, and it seemed like my day one would fall right about May 28, meaning day one of my first "old faithful" after June 1 would fall some time around June 26, and what with the need to do a mock cycle first, we wouldn't actually be thawing the frostie until the beginning of August, which seems like an awfully long way away.


Here it is, the fourth of May, and the "crimson tide" has not yet arrived. (It will. I know it will, any minute now. If nothing else, I know my body well enough to be 100% sure of that.) But, if we do the math and day one comes today, maybe tomorrow, that means that even if I have a regular 28 day cycle, instead of the 30 day cycle I just finished, day one will arrive ON June 1, maybe even June 2, which means I can start the mock treatment month in June and bring home frostie a whole month earlier, in July.

Isn't that great? Aren't you glad you mucked through this entire convuluted post just for that? Yeah, me too!

Let's review, shall we?

Fact: to begin mock treatment month, day one of "wearing the red shoes" must fall after June 1.
Fact: my cycles usually run 29 to 30 days.
Fact: this month's cycle will start on or after May 4.
Fact: May 4 + 29 days = June 2
Fact: June 2 is commonly AFTER June 1
Ergo: I will be able to begin my mock treatment in June.
Ergo: I will be able to begin my 'for real' treatment in July.

(Aren't you glad I didn't have a blog when I was going through IVF? Can you imagine the posts you'd be getting?)

Footnote: special thanks to this page for all the bloody euphemisms.

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